#8

Thoughts of a Rambling Mind

Even though I pretend that it doesn't feel as though my heart was ripped from my chest, it was and it still hurts quite a bit. Especially when I think about how much effort I put into that relationship only to have it thrown back into my face. Why is it I always seem to find the guys that use my kindness, and then toss me to the side. I'm beginning to lose faith in men. I already had slightly trust issues because of my father and I thought I was starting to get over them but it seems like I'm not getting over them. It seems as though every guy I've dated has just shown me why I shouldn't trust them. I'm getting to the point where I am accepting the fact I may be one of those crazy cats ladies only instead of cats I will have a bunch of bunnies. All I've wanted the last few years is someone to spend the rest of my life with and to start a family with but it's beginning to look like I'm not going to have that.
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    depressed depressed
#8

Just Done With Everything

All I seem to be is something that just keeps a place warm until the next person takes it. Whether it is in my romantic life or in my personal life. I guess all I am is a place holder, and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me mentally and emotionally. I really just wish I was back down in Florida that I'd never even come up to Virginia in the first place. I also wish I never joined the damn navy because it just seems to keep fucking my life up one way or another. I'm just so done with everything, I don't want to let anymore people i and I'm at the point where I just want to shut down physically and emotionally, because I just don't care anymore I'm just going through the motions. I'm so sick of all the bullshit that keeps getting thrown my way.
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    apathetic apathetic
#8

Hypocrites Need To Shove It

I'm getting so sick of my roommate telling me to shut up when I am on the phone with my mom when it's alright if she talks for two hours on the phone with hers, or when she says I've been complaining all day because I made two comments about something that I didn't like in the span of four hours since I've been off work. Especially when she is doing shit on the internet and mumbling to herself the whole time. I don't know how hard it is to talk in your head when you are doing something. Because it's really annoying listening to people babble on to themselves after they've told you to shut up because you were talking. Plus I find it rather rude when they do it when you are on the phone with a family member. Plus I'm just getting to the point where I just want to sit up in my room all day because she is being so rude to me and then when it's brought to her attention she acts like she doesn't know what you are talking about. Plus she tries to get on my case when I go up to my room early on in the day and stay up there, especially when most days she spends most of the time in her room or she'll just get up in the middle of the afternoon and head up there, without saying anything to anyone.
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    aggravated aggravated
#8

Tough Decisions Up Ahead

It's obvious I'm the only one who actually reads this as I'm the one typing it, but I guess it's my way of getting out my emotions when they become to overwhelming for me. I feel like Brando is playing me with this whole relationship, because he's pulling away from me and his ex is posting things to his page that exes wouldn't post. It's as though I'm in a house of cards and that card that was holding everything up just got pulled. The only thing I can hope for is that I'm not pregnant because that would just make matters worse than they are. Times like these I wish I was back home so I could cuddle with my bunny, since I know he would try to make me feel better. When I feel like this I just wish I could curl up into a ball and just die. Especially when it seems like everyone around me is starting a family or in a happy relationship and I just keep ending up in ones that aren't going to go anywhere. All I've wanted the last couple of years is a guy who will stand by me, who wants to start a family with me, a guy who wants a relationship based on honesty and not lies. And I always seem to pick winners, I think I need to begin to reevaluate my choice in men, and where to start with that I don't know. I feel that at the rate I'm going I'm going to be miserable until the day I die. I don't understand how someone who has someone so devoted to them finds the need to have to be with someone else, is it because that person will stay with them through the hurt and cheating?
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    depressed depressed
#8

You're Pushing Too Much and I'm Getting Ready To Walk Out the Door

I'm just getting so sick of certain people acting like they are holier than thou. Like if someone interrupts their sleep it's like a death sentence even though they sleep all day or hide out in their bedroom, but it's all fine and dandy when their kids is yelling down the stairs at midnight when you have to be up in four hours so you can get to work. The last two weeks or so I've just been wishing I would have packed all my things and have taken them with me to San Diego and just stayed with Brando until he had to transfer out to Virginia when he was done with school, because at least I know he appreciates me. Definitely giving him a call tomorrow after I get off work so I can talk to him about something. Right now I just really wish I had him by my side. I miss him wrapping his arms around me, and how he let's me cuddle him when we sleep.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
#8

Just Wanting To Crawl Into A Ball And Go To Sleep Forever

I'm beginning to feel like I have no one to talk to about what is going on in my life or what's bothering me, because I'm too busy having to try to keep it all together so I can help people with their problems, and I'm just beginning to become overwhelmed by it all. I just wish I had someone I could talk to that wouldn't judge me and would just let me vent to them and maybe help me by giving me advise without making it seem like everything I do is wrong. I just feel like Atlas holding up the world and I hate it. I'm just becoming so emotionally and physically drained pretending that everything is just fine and dandy with me. The only thing I real want in life is a family of mine own and I'm really starting to believe that with the guy I'm with I'm never going to have it and it just upsets me so much. I also can't understand why I keep going back to him when I know I could find guys who would treat me like their queen instead of just calling me their queen. Is it so much to ask for someone to just put aside some time in their day where they have the time to talk to me without having people there. Or finding a man who doesn't act like an immature child that seems to have more commitment problems than Charlie Sheen. I want someone I can grow old with, that loves me for who I am and not just for my body, but for my mind as well and all the quirks that come from being with me. Everyone I've been with I've gone out of my way to try and keep them happy and in the end all it usually does is cause me heartache. I just want it to stop hurting, I want to feel like I belong somewhere and not like I'm just holding someone else's spot for them. And I've been crying myself to sleep the last few nights and why I don't even know. Sometimes I think the only reason I post on here is because I know no one is going to read it.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
#8

Random Ramblings Floating in My Head

So another year goes by and my birth is coming up and I feel as though it's going to be another bad birthday and I've been having them since I was 16 so that will be six years straight of crappy birthdays. Plus I'm stuck in a place where I don't know a lot of people and I have no money, so it really sucks a lot. I'm thousands of miles away from my family and there is nothing I can do about it. Last year I got my tonsils out on my 21st and I thought that would be the worst birthday I'd have but this year I don't even have close friends or a significant other with me here. The last couple of weeks all I've wanted to do is cry and I can't because I'm never alone long enough to get a good cry out without people asking me about it. I just wish shit wasn't so complicated like they seem to be lately. I even think my biggest wish is to become a kid again just so I don't have a lot of crap to worry about. But I guess not a lot of people realize how stressed I really am because I act like I'm chill with everything or that I put things that stress me out of mind when I don't I'm constantly thinking about what I could have done differently. I'm beginning to believe I'm not meant to be happy and I guess that brings me down just a bit.
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    iTunes on shuffle
#8

Screwed Over Yet Again

I guess I really need to stop doing nice things for people. Offering to move away from my family and the one guy I really care about right now to help a friend with her kid and she'd rather listen to her stupid boyfriend who has no experience with a baby and isn't even the kid's dad or me. As usual any time I try to do something nice for someone it get thrown back in my face. I'm just so sick of this shit. I just wish I never even came up here at this point. Maybe I should just start telling everyone to go fuck themselves and not expect me to help them anymore since all they do is take my kindness for granite.
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    pissed off pissed off
#8

Confused

I'm beginning to get to the point where I'm starting to feel like I'm just lost again. I thought I was over my ex but I guess I really am not and it sucks because he's pretty much just an asshole. I know I should be happy because one of my really good friends is having her baby today but I just can't seem to find the energy to be happy about it. I wish I could just find a decent guy and just start a family with them. I want my own kids and I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I won't be able to and it just sucks because it would just kill me inside. I love kids and it really just one of the things I really want. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
  • Current Mood
    melancholy melancholy
#8

Bullshit Facebook Drama

I know I haven't posted on here in like years, but I'm probably going to begin using this again to vent through, because I'm just so over the drama that Facebook and the people on Facebook like to bring. I left the Navy mainly due to this reason. Plus on here I'm not going to have everyone and their mother butting in and trying to give in their two cents. I may say things to one of my best friends about what she can do for her baby girl (once she decides to show up) but that's because I'm moving from Florida to Virginia to help her with the baby, and she knows I'm only saying what I know about kids and that I'm not trying to tell her that's what she needs to do. But when everyone is throwing in what they think is going on and their opinions on the matter when they don't have all the facts is what is just aggravating me so much and it's mainly due to the fact that I see how much stress it is putting on my friend and it's stress she really doesn't need right now. The upside to this whole move for me is that I will be helping her with the baby and I've already picked up an applicant to work in the Photo Studio at JC Penny's so I'll be able to work on what I really love to do if they hire me, which will be really great because I enjoy taking pictures so much. Plus I'll be able to take pictures of babies and children and I just love the shots you can get from them because they don't try to look their best for the camera and that's usually what makes a shot so great.

So with the move I'm just hoping things are turning around for me, and that with my help it will make things easier on my friend.
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    optimistic optimistic